


'fucktards, fucktards everywhere'

by CastelloFlare



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Crack, F/M, Gen, M/M, light shounen ai, no particular plot
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-08-14
Updated: 2014-02-21
Packaged: 2017-12-23 11:08:49
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 1,290
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/925660
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CastelloFlare/pseuds/CastelloFlare
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Just a collection of random stupid oneshots that revolve around the daily lives of our dear Scouting Legion and 104th Trainees Squad.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. cannibalism

**Author's Note:**

> I have nothing better to do. Boredom will fatten me up.

Connie Springer had spent so much time with Sasha Blaus that he had seen her eat more times than he had seen her blink. She would do it while cleaning, during training, while talking, and - Connie was willing to bet - maybe even when she was sleeping.

He wondered how such a skinny body could house so much food.

Even when they were peeling potatoes, he would see Sasha hiding one or two in her pockets, which looked so weird because it looked like she had grown a pair of balls. Well, she wasn't girly enough to begin with, but Connie or anyone else would feel uneasy seeing the potatoes tucked tightly in the fabric of her pants.

"Sasha, you're hiding potatoes again?" Reiner Braun said as he threw a potato he had peeled into one of the baskets.

"I'm hungry, and it seems to be the right thing to do," Sasha said without any hint of shame or remorse as she tapped on the two bulges that adorned her lap. Beside her, Annie Leonhart continued to peel her own batch of potatoes, but did not seem interested in the matter.

"You still get to eat in the mess halls just like everybody else, but you also have your secret stash of taters, that's just not fair," Connie said rather bitterly. He needed food to grow, you know.

"But my stomach is not the same as everyone else's," the brown-haired girl said, and as she did, the other three could see that she had started to drool while peeling her potato. Connie went for it and grabbed the tater from her hand. "Hey!" came Sasha's dreadful cry.

"Oy, Reiner! Tell her she couldn't eat these potatoes!"

"Look at her, Connie, I don't think she's gonna be listening to any scolding right now," said Reiner as he pointed behind the shorter boy, whose hand was suddenly grabbed by a hungry Sasha Blaus.

"Ow, let go!" Connie shrieked as he fought for his hand which Sasha seemed to have no problem biting off. Reiner stood up from his seat and sighed, and proceeded to help Connie let go of the girl who was suddenly on a rampage. The struggle went on for some time, and in the chaos, they toppled over some of the baskets that were already filled to the brim with yellow skinless potatoes.

Annie shot each one of them a glare. They froze.

Reiner swallowed in his throat. He knew from experience that an angry Annie meant bad news. Connie had always been scared of her, and he instantly broke into cold sweat. Sasha apparently felt the same as her attention was taken away from the potato.

"... Oy, Sasha," Annie spoke for the first time today. She held up a knife in one hand and an unpeeled potato in the other, and proceeded to peel it ever so slowly in clean, precise strokes while saying, "A potato has skin. You have skin..."

No one spoke til she finished.

"... It basically means you're a potato, and you're a cannibal potato."

Connie and Reiner looked at her in surprise; they knew Annie was scary, but they never knew she was somehow... sadistic.

Sadistic, with a straight face.

Sasha's grip on Conie's hand softened as her face darkened with realization. Connie knew that she wasn't going to eat taters for a while.


	2. sex education

"Is this how babies are made?" Mikasa Ackerman said with no expression whatsoever gracing her face. She was showing an open notebook to Krista Lenz's face, who realized to her horror that it was in fact, her supposed-to-be-secret notebook that she hid under her pillow in the dormitories. Krista's beautiful features twisted into something awful, totally not befitting her of her title as the trainee's proclaimed 'Queen' at the moment.

" 'The Commander had Levi bucking his hips over his lap, both of them covered in sweat and moving in a fluid and passionate rhythm to accommodate the desire building up on both men's groins...' " Ymir had joined them and was reading the notebook with her head rested on Krista's shoulder.

Krista shuddered and let out a yelp, and on reflex she grabbed the notebook from Mikasa's hands, who looked a bit surprised at Krista's reaction. The blonde was sweating profusely as she clutched the notebook to her chest, breathing hard. "This was not supposed to be seen by anyone..."

"Why? It's quite educational," said Mikasa, who had regained her composure and looked disinterested, but her eyes projected a different gleam. "Again, I ask you, is that," she pointed at the notebook, "how babies are made?"

"Uh... not exactly..." Krista looked from side to side, looking for an answer. Ymir glanced at her, and sighed.

"Oi, Mikasa. Ever heard of that legend? The one with the storks?" Ymir said, frivolousness starting to surface.

"I haven't heard any such legend," Mikasa said. "Is this relevant to my question just now?"

"It's your answer, actually," said Ymir airily. "Storks are big birds with long beaks who carry babies wrapped in cloth to expectant mothers down on Earth."

Krista didn't say anything. Mikasa seemed attentive. "And?"

Ymir continued, "... and the babies are said to be made in the heavens, or by the clouds themselves, and the storks are like mailmen delivering the babies to the mothers' doorsteps."

"..." Mikasa seemed satisfied and lost in her own thoughts. Krista sighed, she no longer seemed interested in the notebook.

"Thanks, Ymir," she smiled, but it was quite early to thank Ymir, because the next day, they had a hard time stopping Mikasa from trying to fly off the fourth floor without her 3D Maneuver Gear after convincing herself that she was half-stork.


	3. 'it's tasty'

Connie Springer initially didn't notice it, but he sure was spending a lot of time with Sasha Blaus, so he thought he should have been used to her stupidity by now. But since stupid is a mean word, let's settle with simplicity.

Nothing could have prepared him for this one, though.

"Hey Connie," Sasha said as she mouthed of a large portion of bread.

"What is it?" Connie said with half-assed interest; after all he shouldn't expect much when Sasha was trying to think and eat at the same time.

"Don't you think Eren's hand looks tasty?"

Connie almost choked on his food. "... And are you sure you're not on drugs?"

Ignoring him, she continued, "He always bites his hand in order to transform into a titan right? Why would you hurt yourself to achieve your goal? Doesn't it quite make sense if his hand is actually edible?"

Connie was speechless. Sasha actually managed to simultaneously eat and think.

"Hm, maybe Mikasa would know," Sasha said and before the boy could stop her, she left for the table where Mikasa and Armin were eating their lunch.

"Oi, Mi-ka-sa~!" she said, evoking no response from the girl with the scarf. Connie only exhaled a sigh, here we go again.

"Hey, Sasha," Armin greeted her back. "What's up?"

"Nothing really. Erm, can I have that piece of bread, if you're not eating it..."

"Uh, well, I guess..." but Sasha had already gobbled it up.

"Thanks! Anyway, I had been meaning to ask..." And Sasha bent down so that only the two could hear her. "You've been friends with Eren for so long, right? So, like, uhh is his hand tasty?"

At this, Mikasa spit her drink at Sasha's face. "... apple cider," Sasha said, not feeling disgusted in the slightest.

Armin only looked at her. "W-what--"

He was interrupted by Mikasa's sudden confession. "I-It wasn't like that! ... He seduced me first, sleeping and lying with his hand over his stomach like that...! It was temptation..."

In the background, Jean just rammed his head into the walls over and over.


End file.
